The SEX Files
by Bonte1
Summary: DHr - Lavender falls pregnant and Dumbledore enforces an 'added bonus' to the curriculum: each student who has lost their virginity must complete a list naming all of the sexual partners - some lists are more surprising than others


**The SEX Files**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury and Warner Bros, etc.

**Chapter One**

Hermione Granger's dreams were interrupted by a horrible retching noise coming from the adjoining bathroom. She sat up in her four-poster and squinted in the darkness for the source of the noise, but eventually her initial sleepiness subsided and she was able to conclude that someone was spewing in the bathroom.

Pulling back the curtains that had been hastily drawn the night before due to her crabby mood, she slid her bare feet into her pink fluffy slippers that were resting next to her bed. She bent down and felt around in the darkness for her dressing gown (which, of course, coordinated with her slippers.). She snatched up her dressing gown and haphazardly shoved her arms into the sleeves before wrapping it tightly around her waist and digging her hands into the pockets for extra warmth.

Yawning, Hermione made her way across the dormitory, careful not to trip over any of her roommates' belongings. When she reached the bathroom door it was closed and she quietly turned the doorknob only to discover the door was locked.

Cursing whoever had their head firmly down the toilet (and also feeling mildly sorry for the house elf that had to clean it even though her SPEW days were behind her) she padded back across the dormitory before snatching up her wand which was resting on her nightstand and making her way back across the dormitory until she was standing in front of the bathroom door. The spewing continued. Grimacing slightly, Hermione placed her wand on the doorknob and muttered, "_Alohomora_" and was satisfied when the door clicked open.

She pushed the door open all the way to allow herself entrance and stepped inside the brightly lit room, closing the door hastily behind so as not to disturb the still sleeping girls. Hermione turned and rolled her eyes, allowing herself a grin, at the sight before her.

"Lavender Brown, you are officially the most pathetic person on the planet," she said, still grinning.

Hermione heard a slight groan coming from Lavender's direction and continued to smile at her as Lavender turned around to face her. "How'd you know it was me?"

"I've never known anyone else who actually crosses their legs while spewing in the lavatory," Hermione replied, "mind, looking dainty and girlish all of the time is just one of your standards, isn't it, Lav?"

Lavender grimaced. "Don't call me that."

Hermione smiled. "So, late night last night?"

"No, I was stuck playing Spin the Bottle with Dean and Seamus and," she shivered, "Neville, who by the way hasn't yet mastered the art of using a toothbrush … or anything sanitary for that matter."

Hermione laughed, but her brow furrowed in concern. "Did you … eat something?"

Lavender shrugged. "Probably. I've been eating like a horse lately." She then filled the silence by burying her face in the toilet and Hermione winced as the same retching noise filled the room. Lavender coughed into the toilet and turned around to face Hermione, smiling slightly. "Sorry."

Hermione offered her another smile in return and attempted a joke. "Well, at least we know you're not pregnant."

If possible Lavender's face went another shade paler and her hand shot up to her chest. "Herm, my period's late."

Hermione's smile vanished instantly. "Lav, you're lying … you're pulling my leg. You're not … you're seventeen for Christ sake!"

"Oh, I know, I know," Lavender cried and as if she was almost trying to demonstrate what she thought of the idea, she turned back around and began vomiting into the toilet. She coughed and vomited a little more, before making an attempt to stand up and stumbling across the bathroom. She reached the sink and turned on the taps splashing her now flushed face with cold water. She let her hands fall to her sides, but the water kept rushing out and Lavender's shoulders shook violently.

Feeling incredible compassion for her friend, Hermione hurried over to her, turning the tap off tightly. She gave Lavender a fierce hug as she continued to sob. "Lav, Lav … listen to me. If you are pregnant, it's not the end of the world!"

Lavender tried to pry Hermione off of her, as her face clouded with anger. "Not the end of the world! Pah! I wanted to work at the Ministry, Herm, how am I supposed to work there if I've got a kid?"

Hermione gave her a kind smile and replied in her best motherly voice, "Well, you can still work at the Ministry. You'll just … you'll need to talk to the father that's all. And besides, we don't even know if you are pregnant—"

"The father? Ooh, that's going to be a problem," Lavender interrupted, sliding down onto the cold, sparkling floor.

Hermione remained standing. "A problem? Why would that be a problem? Would he want anything to do with your kid – hypothetically speaking, of course,_ if_ you had a kid – I mean, is he that kind of guy?"

"Well, I don't know," said Lavender, with a nervous laugh. "I mean, to be truthful, Herm, I have no idea who the father is."

"Ugh, Lav, you didn't sleep with some random guy did you?" Hermione asked in a pained voice.

"No, of course not! I just … well, I've slept with some many guys, Herm, I can't pinpoint which one is the father," Lavender said slowly, trying to find the right words. She snuck a glance and quickly looked away as she sensed Hermione exploding at any moment.

However, it seemed Hermione was trying to contain her anger. "You … what? Don't know who the father is? Well, you might just have to make a list then."

"Herm—"

"Don't start. Lavender, give me a ballpark figure here—exactly how many guys have you slept with?"

Lavender bit her lip, still wincing, and trying to keep out of Hermione's unwavering gaze. "Um, maybe 50?"

"50?"

"Or 60 …"

"60!"

It was Hermione's turn to sit down. "60. Lavender, you bring new meaning to the term 'getting around.'"

"No … wait … I think I've had sex, like, 55 times, maybe? Probably slept with about 28 different guys. Yeah, that's a better number."

Hermione stared. "Better than 4?"

Lavender laughed. "Right, you're like a virgin compared to me … ooh, you know what? We've probably slept with the same guys …"

"And to change the subject completely, I'm giving you a pregnancy test," Hermione said, interrupting Lavender's thoughts.

Lavender looked disgusted. "What, piss on you?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "No. Give me your wand."

"What about your wand?"

"It doesn't work with my wand!"

"Well, my wand's back in the dormitory," replied Lavender.

Hermione let out an exasperated sigh. "Okay, we'll use my wand."

"You said it didn't work with your wand."

"It might work, it'll just work a different way that's all …" Hermione grabbed her wand which she'd stuffed in the pockets of her dressing gown and put it on Lavender's stomach. It began glowing instantly. "Now, just wait a few minutes. If it turns blue – you're not pregnant, if it turns pink … well, you know the drill."

Lavender looked at her curiously. "How do you know how to do this?"

"Oh, Parvati last Christmas," said Hermione, without thinking.

"What? And she didn't tell me!" Lavender exploded.

Hermione looked around her. "Do you hear something?"

"Well, what did it say?" Lavender pressed.

"It was negative, obviously, oh, and please tell don't her I said anything," Hermione pleaded.

Lavender grinned. "I'm not saying a word."

"Good. Oh, it's stopped glowing," said Hermione, looking excitedly at her wand.

"Glowing? What? It was never glowing," Lavender said, looking puzzled.

"Oh, right, my wand … I suppose I'm the only one who can see its colours … and it's changing—"

"What's it say?" said Lavender excitedly. "Oh, come on, Hermione—what's it say?"

**(Authors Note: Wow, first chapter out of the way! Thanks so much for reading! Now, see that little purple thing on your left, yeah, now click that … good. Now type in a lovely little message mentioning how brilliant this chappie is! Heh. All right, I will shut up now. Review and I'll give you the next chapter—Love Scarlett) **


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